Hate Came to Stay

Hate Came to Stayby Anne E Thompson

     Yesterday, Hate came to stay. Uninvited, he knocked on the door and when I opened it, to see who was calling, he burst in, pushing past me. I knew he had visited other houses, had caused damage and hurt and anger. But he had never visited me before. He came yesterday.

     He went into the kitchen and smashed all my plates. He over-turned chairs and tore my cushions. He punched my children and spat at my dog. When I went near he scratched me and made me bleed. The house was dark, he closed all the curtains. I was hurt, frightened and angry.

     But worse, worse than the pain and fear and broken china, was the slime. Every time I tried to stop him, to catch him, hurt him, trap him, he produced more slime. It came off him in silver trails, sticking to everything he touched, dirty, germ filled, slime. It made me change. I began to be like him. I wanted to punch him, cut him, hurt him.

     Others came to my door, friends and family and people needing help. I bolted it shut, refused to let them in. I glared at the world and felt dark thoughts from my hiding place under the bed. I too wanted to scratch and bite and smash.

     So I went to the window and I looked at the sun. I let the light brighten my mind, sear my eyes, burn off the slime.

     Then I turned to Hate. I made him tea but he threw it on the carpet. I gave him bandages for his wounds but he used them to tie up the cat. I made him a cake but he trampled it into the rug. I noticed the slime was disappearing, there was less of it. I read him stories but he put his fingers in his ears. I sang him songs but he swore at me. I danced for him but he threw stones at me. Hate would not accept love. But Love stopped the slime.

     Love made a cage. At last, when I was so tired I thought I would fall, Hate was trapped. The bright cage of Love enclosed Hate. There was no more slime. He couldn't escape. I pushed the cage out of the door. Hate was gone.

I began to sweep up the broken glass.

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Worries

   Spent a couple of days with Mum and Dad. They do love the children and spend hours playing with them. Mum worked really hard and I had a nice rest. It made me aware of how much I will be taking the children away from them if we go to NY. I was watching S, holding the hose with his Grampy to water the garden and I felt overwhelmingly sad. I must be sure to bring them back to England for LOTS of visits. It's important to keep the love bond very real.

   I still worry about the plane crashing, though I keep telling myself it wont happen. There is still so much I want to share with the children and help them with, I love raising them. I pray that God will keep us safe while we're separated.

  I have bought some new clothes for the trip, so I hope the weather's warm enough to wear them. It will be rather nice to eat meals with no interruptions, to chat in the car without worrying that someone is going to be sick and to have whole conversations with T. Just the two of us. It will feel very strange.

   I am so sure that God wants us to do this move. I hope it is totally confirmed on this trip, that we come back even more sure that we are doing the right thing. It is too big to do unless it is right.

Sunday Diary

     There was a baptismal at church this morning. It was so good to hear someone's testimony again, we haven't had a baptismal for years. L and S were very interested by it and asked lots of questions.
 
    Talked to Mum and Dad about moving to NY. They were very emotional about it but said we must make the best decision for us. Dad is worried we'll end up staying there - but we wont, I am determined it will be for 3 years max. Mum agreed to look after the children so T and I can do a quick visit.

   I am scared about flying without the children. I love them so very much, I cannot bear the thought that we might be killed and I wont be able to take care of them. We asked M and K to be their legal guardians, so they would take care of them if anything awful did happen. I wanted to write a will but T said that is morbid and silly.

  Grandad had his 100th birthday. It was fun seeing all the extended family again. He seemed to enjoy the day, I like talking to him, he makes me feel very young! There was a photo of him aged 3 years, wearing a dress. Apparently this was normal in those days, boys were 'breeched' when they were aged about 6 years and given their first pair of trousers. What a funny idea!

Planning our move to New York

 
    T told the partner at work that we would move to NY. It's conditional on us finding somewhere nice to live. He wanted us to go for three years but seems willing to accept less.

   Am keen to visit soon and start looking for nice areas. I'll ask Mum to come and look after the kids for a weekend. Not sure if she will.

   I keep worrying about it all, that we've made the wrong decision, that it will unsettle the children, make Mum and dad unhappy, etc. Am praying hard about it. I feel God reassuring me, showing me that we didn't push for this, the doors opened and we just are walking through them. 

   Took L to school. P walks now because carrying him hurts my back. He takes ages and stops to look at every tiny thing that takes his interest. He does look cute though as he waddles along.

   I must clean the house tomorrow. It's so hard to get jobs done with all this NY stuff buzzing around my head. All feels a bit unreal. I do hope people will visit us. I hate the thought of leaving all our friends and family behind.

Planning to Move to New York

Monday, end of June

    Well, I can't quite believe it but we seem to be moving to New York! As the week has gone by, we have both grown more and more positive about going. It seems like the right thing to do. I guess that's what prayer does, sometimes it changes us so we start to want different things. I certainly did NOT want to go a week ago, now I do.

    T still needs to find out some details from work, plus we want to do a quick visit to see the area. But it all seems to be falling into place. We will probably leave here next summer. I would prefer easter because now we have decided to go I think we'll feel very unsettled until we're actually there. Easter would still give us time to sort everything out. We'll see.

   The family are all away so we haven't been able to ask their advice. I am really worried about telling Mum, I know she will be upset.

    It seems really strange that we are going but it has come at a good time. I feel so ready for a change, at least for something extra to being with the children. I would really have preferred another baby but T is adamant that he doesn't want a fourth. I guess a new country will have to do instead!

    We got some library books to see what New York is like. Don't feel like I am any wiser. I hope we can visit there soon, see what it's really like. It will make it more real then. more definite. I think of it being full of yellow taxis, drugs and murders. Probably not a very balanced view…...

Deciding whether or not to move to New York

   I have given moving to New York some more thought. It is SO difficult to know what the right thing to do is. My thoughts so far are as follows:

Advantages
 Good for T's job prospects (would mean an early promotion.)
 A change (I am ready for that. Six years of mainly talking to people less than 3 ft high means my brain is stagnating.)
 More money
 New experiences/opportunities. It might be good for us as people to live somewhere new.

Disadvantages
 Long way away (a big 8 hours on a plane. ) Not easy to visit.
 Horrid place (not that I have ever been there. But it looks horrid on tele.)
 Culture is very similar to here. Going to France or somewhere would be more interesting.

Things we need to find out

 Can we live away from the city?

What will happen to the cats?

Who pays for:

furniture storage

estate agent fees

shipping our stuff to New York

health insurance

a furnished house in New York

trips home to visit parents and trips there to arrange housing.

Can we afford a five or six bedroomed house so we can have friends and family to stay?

What age is education compulsory? Where would L go to school?

What pay/holiday/hours would T get?

How often would T have to work away from home?

How do the family feel about it?

We also need to sort out mortgage, insurance, letting our house here, furniture storage. 

All a bit daunting.

A Partnership in New York

Monday, June


    Spent the day trying to get the house sorted out. Sometimes it looks like a tip. I never seem to do quite enough - if I get the floors clean, I don't have time for the oven and fridge. Forget about clean windows….

   L had a school friend for tea. Her friends never eat very much, they just pick at things and then ask for more. I find them a bit irritating to be honest but it's nice for her to have friends back. She goes on a school trip tomorrow. BIG excitement! 

   T rang to say he's been offered a partnership in New York. We would have to move there for three years. I can't see any advantages to living in New York at all. Told him I would think about it (but I don't want to go.)

  I cleaned the pushchair so it can go in the loft, I can manage with just the little buggy now. Feels really weird that I wont ever use it again (but T is unpersuadable about having another baby.)

   We're also planning swapping L into P's room, so the two boys will share. It will be horrid not having a 'baby's' room in the house. I think S will really miss sharing with L too, so I'm not hurrying to get it done.

   All this change. I don't like it much. Nothing seems to stay stable for long…..